i need an iv and a liver transplant
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
