Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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