I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
do nipples grow back?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
