you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
