why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
