You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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