I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
