the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
