After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
