How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
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