she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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