I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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