Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize