I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You have to summon your inner elephant
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
