I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize