we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
