I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
