Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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