Your face is a jimmy john
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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