The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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