All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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