The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
