He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
