You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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