Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
