it hurts more in the daytime
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
