I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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