2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
