my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Naked Twister starts at high noon
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
