Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
