The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
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Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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