she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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