Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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