Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
