I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I understand Curling. That high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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