So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
