Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
