you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My balls are so social today.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
