dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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