Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
