she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
