Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
