8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
