I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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