so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
