Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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