Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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