1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
