I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
