I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
