Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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