Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
