This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
