The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
