I faked an abortion last night.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
