Betty ford says i'm here all night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
