Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
