Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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