Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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