Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
