apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
