Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
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Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
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I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.